Curve Balls

In our daily struggles to chase the things that we think will make our lives more complete and perfect, we sometimes forget that life is inherently imperfect. While we often envy those around us that we think is living the perfect life, how many of such targets of admiration is indeed doing so? Even in the highly unlikely probability that one is completely satisfied with the life he/she is living thus far, the chances of such bliss continuing quickly changes from improbable to impossible. If the final goal of our endeavors is but an impossible dream, what is the point of pursuing it anyway? What are we really striving for?

This post serves as a reminder to myself and all the rest out there that is chasing the dream of a more perfect existence. Life will always throw you all kinds of curve balls. Just when we think we have it all figured out and start making our 3/5/10 year plans, life will turn round to bite you in the ass and throw all the elaborate planning into chaos and disrepair. It is not to say that we should stop preparing for our future and leave everything to the unfaithful hands of fate. It is just that as we go forth in life to prepare, plan and strive for a better future, we must never forget the life is really about the journey instead of the destination. It may seem like a very clique thing to say but I think at the end of it all, when we look back at the existence we have had in the short time on this planet, what really matters the most will not be the amount of possessions or prestige we have accumulated but the experiences and relationships we have gathered in our time.

I know of some people that have become deeply unsatisfied and unhappy in this journey of life. The frustration and anger is borne out from the elusiveness of that sought-after end goal. It is understandable but it would be such a waste if one has forgotten about the value of the journey and neglected to savor the adventure. The end goal is what it is all about, regardless of how distant it is. Energy is wasted in venting the anger and frustration. The negative vibes and resentment hurts and infects all around. Then there are others that are primed for the perfect life. Everything seems to pan out exactly the way they wanted to. Suddenly a curve ball is thrown in their direction and everything goes awry. All the planning and industry seems to be in vain and the curve ball has reduced everything back to square one. Although standing at the opposite ends of the spectrum of life, they are connected by the thread of its imperfectness. The way to move on is to take what life deals on the chin and stride on bravely into a new tomorrow, undaunted by the obstacles of today. It is better to have tried and failed then to have given up before starting. Despite the pain and agony of today, take comfort in that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your journey may be tougher but your life is also richer and at the end of the day, you will look back at your battle scars and feel the pride for having fought and won. I pray for myself, and all the others struggling with life's curve balls, a stronger will and a more foolhardy belief in the beauty of life's journey.

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Just Follow Loh

Just read something online that really strikes a chord in me. A woman was fined $30 for sucking on a sweet while taking the MRT. You can view the video here. This is a very good example of Singaporeans following rules without using their brains to understand the need for such rules to exist. There are 2 things in this video that really infuriates me.

The first is the stubborn stupidity of the MRT officer in implementing the rules without any thought or reason in doing so. We should note that the officer is keenly aware of the video camera in front of him and perhaps that made him doubly more determined to dish out the punishment so he can appear to his superiors or anyone watching that he was doing his job well. Under another circumstance, without the spotlight of the camera, perhaps he may have chosen to be more reasonable and lenient. But that is really the point. Somehow for most Singaporeans, the need to be "officially and politically correct" overrides any otherwise reasonable and logical considerations. Some people will hesitate to perform the most logical and reasonable of tasks as long as there is the possibility of violating the letter of the law. We are talking about slavish obedience to every word of the rule instead of simply abiding by the spirit and purpose the rule is supposed to uphold. However, the same people will have no qualms with carrying out impossibly stupid and irrational exercises as long as the rulebook commands it.

The MRT officer is the best case in point. He rather err on the side of caution, and stupidity, than to exercise some discretion in this matter. The basic reason of MRT implementing the "no eating" rule is to prevent accidental/intentional littering of the cabin and, maybe to a lesser degree, eliminate food odours in the cabin. Surely the MRT officer understands that. But despite that, the officer still issued the fine, "just-in-case" someone in authority is watching. Stupidity, insensitivity, even cruelty is condoned in Singapore as long as one is following the rules blindly. But non-obedience, no matter the reason or appropriateness, is not tolerated here. Simply put, in many ways our system rewards stupidity and blind obedience but punishes intelligence and reasonableness.

The second thing in this video that really gets on my nerves is the lack of indignation and fight of the passenger that was fined. Instead of being exasperated by this mindless application of the rule by MRT, she seemed sheepish and tried to offer excuses for the sweet. She is not alone in this behaviour. Somehow we were brought up to instinctively follow the rules, no matter what the rule is. We are trained to feel guilt and shame when we did not do everything by the book. Therefore instead of challenging the right of the MRT to impose the $30 fine, she tried to mitigate her actions by claiming giddiness because it is somehow more "justified" for a sick person to violate a rule. Hell, I don't think there is a need to justify her actions to the MRT officer at all. He should be the one to explain and convince the lady of the need and validity of imposing the fine.

I can quote more examples of everyday Singaporeans that chooses to follow rules blindly without taking a second to consider the validity and reasonableness of those rules. There is a pervasive culture of fear within the fabric of our society that makes us act with unthinking obedience, that makes us such willing slaves to the existing rules and authority. There are probably many other societies out where blind obedience is more prevalent. But here are also plenty of those where people follow rules not because they have to but because they want to. Not everyone follows our Singaporean mantra of "Just Follow Loh". At least I hope not.

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Proving God

I studied in a typical methodist primary school when I was young, even though none of my parents are Christians. They sent me to the school because it was one of the "ang moh" primary schools around at that time and thought it would be beneficial for me to be in an English-speaking environment since I spoke only Chinese at home. Along with the rest of my classmates, I had to pray every morning during assembly. There would be a reverend leading the prayer over the PA system and all the students will bow their heads and follow. Being young and impressionable, I remember thinking it was cool to pray since every other classmate was doing the same. I badly wanted to fit in so I followed suit. There was no consideration on whether I wanted to be a Christian or if I believed in Christ. It was just something everyone did and I followed. To be fair, I was only an 8-year old.

Later in life, I didn't really get any more direct opportunities or motivation to further pursue Christianity. It gradually faded away from my life. In fact, probably to my education or experiences etc, religion was never really a subject I thought much about. I was way more interested in the sciences. Physics, mathematics, economics or even philosophy appealed to me more. Gradually, it became a choice for me. I would believe in either science or religion, not both. I was convinced somehow that the two fields are opposites and thus cannot coexist naturally. Maybe its due to age or wisdom, I do not really think that anymore. At least not in such absolute terms. I do not consider myself an atheist. I think I am more of a pagan, a go-between a believer and a skeptic. I believe there exist a supernatural power, an almighty consciousness . However I do not believe there necessarily needs to be formalized rituals or established institutions to worship that power. Certainly not a standardized textbook to decipher the meaning and purpose of that consciousness!?!

This rather succintly describes what I view religion to be. An institution or system that tries to rationalize and explain something we should not be capable of understanding anyway. However I do not deny the existence of that supernatural power. Some call it Jesus, some call it Allah, other say it's God. To me, they are one and the same, just different names for the same almighty consciousness. We cannot fully explain God with science or logic. The very idea of divinity suggests that we cannot cognitively decipher its origin or purpose. If we were to, God would be reduced to a more mortal dimension and thus "undivine".

A dear friend once tried to prove the existence of God from a biological point of view. He tells me that from our study of entropy and evolution, we will conclude that all systems have the tendency to move towards a less energetic, more lethargic and stable state of being. Matter will seek lose their internal energy and try to reach an equilibrium state. We learned it as our typical high school science textbook cliche, "everything reaches equilibrium, eventually". However for the evolution from single-cell amoebas billions of years ago to humans today to be possible, matter have to behave contrary to this universal law of nature. There definitely exist the possibility for uninitiated random events that excite the systems out of its slumber and spark increases in entropy and activity, but such coincidences should logically be far and few between. To kickstart and propogate the process of evolution, such coincidences have to happen billions and billions of times, over millions and millions of years for our world to be where it is now. Logically and statistically, the sheer improbability of such coincidences should make it impossible but yet, Earth is teeming with life. Surely it cannot be just dumb luck? His explanation? The existence of God.

I know of another similar phenomenon within physics. In classical Newtonian theory of physics, all things are determinate. We can predict a future state of our world with absolute certainty since we can accurately calculate the position, speed, energy etc. of every particle in our universe, as long as we know the initial state it is in. Future is not longer an uncertainty but instead a definite result governed by established theorems and laws. The difficulty lies in harnessing enough computing power to harvest the data needed and compute the necessary calculations. However that is strictly a logistical issue which does not refute the fact that we can theoretically calculate and project the future. However there is another physical theory that fundamentally refutes the Newtonian view of our world, Quantum Physics. A core characteristic of quantum mechanics is the lack of deterministic causality and that at subatomic levels, a particle can exists in different states and space at the same time. Quantum physics suggests there is an inexplicable randomness lying at the heart of all things in this universe and we cannot perfectly anticipate an outcome due to the existence of this randomness. Many think that behind these 2 paradoxical views of the world, lies the divine. God is hiding behind the fabric of the institution which we call science.

While we cannot sufficiently prove the existence of God through science, we also cannot explain everything (ie. the randomness) in our world by science. When we tear down our understanding of the world to the very basics, there are fundamental building blocks that do not have a reason of being. They just are. The simplicity and inexplicabilty of these fundamentals is God. We cannot attempt to explain or rationalize this. It's as if we can never hope to understand the purpose of these proverbial building blocks. Similarly 'God' does not care about any religious worship or rationalization of the higher designs of the divine because they are but constructs of man and represents man's need to place himself at the centre of the universe. This is part I of a 2-blog entry regarding religion. This is my attempt of a logical explanation of the existence of God. I will continue to expound on this issue on the next entry.

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Snobbery

Recently I discovered an interesting blog, "Intellectual Snob", that is written by some elitist idiot that turned out to be a fraud. Before she was exposed, she claimed to be some Ivy League graduate and proceeded to unload her contempt for people whom she deems of "lower intelligence" on her blog. She calls such people "frogs" and local graduates, amongst others, are collectively denounced in that classification. She was later found to be a fraudster and the ironic thing is that she is actually an undergraduate from NTU! The extreme hypocrisy of the author aside, the blog is also incredibly arrogant and vicious. There is massive outrage on the blogosphere with she wrote. Many hurled insults at her and left hate-mail like comments on her blog.

I admit I am slightly like her. I am not proud of it but I have to be honest with who I am and what I believe in. Intellegence is probably my most admired quality in a person. I used to think it is also the most valuable asset you can have. I am the biggest advocate of the idea of "You are what you think". Some call it perspective, some call it understanding and others say it's mindset. To me it's one and the same. The main determinant of how your life pans out, outside of dumb luck, is what you think of and consequently how you act on it. The thought is key, subsequent execution of that merely procedural.

However this episode of the errant blogger gave me an addition insight into my belief on intelligence. A certain amount of humility and tolerance is needed for intelligence to be truly beneficial and appreciated. This blogger uses her supposed "intelligence" to belittle and ridicule everyone she meets, from colleague to the man on the street. Perhaps she does not realize it but I think her blog screams for recognition and acceptance for what she deems are exceptional achievements. She believes she is bestowed with extraordinary gifts and thus have a god-given right to all good things in life. The blog is a means for her to justify that irrational notion. But her towering arrogance has, instead of convincing, only serve to alienate her from others and acts in direct contradiction of her original intention.

A true intellect knows the virtue of humility. He recognizes and embrace diversity. Only by acknowledging your own insufficiencies and imperfectness, will you be able to see the validity of others' strengths and realize the absurdity of having a single, myopic definition of talent or ability. I am not going to dismiss her thinking because she is from NTU. It was inaccurate from the start, regardless of the authencity of her Ivy League pedigree. It is a shame that she needs to hide behind the facade of an American education before hurling insults at her fellow countrymen. This suggests that her superiority complex never originated from her confidence in her mental powers but rather, derived from an association with reputable institutions fabricated in her elaborate lie.

I am nowhere near an ideal level of humility and self-awareness. I recognize it and I will continue to strive towards that goal. However the greatest satisfaction I derive from my inadequacy is the knowledge that somewhere out there, there is at least one self-deluding fool that is way dumber than a frog.

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I Confess

I will try to be as honest and candid about what I am going to say next. A good friend that has known me for a long long time said something to me recently that made me think very hard about my flaws. I have always liked thinking about stuff. The unadulterated sanctity of pure thought appeals to me.But this is slightly different. I am considering now not because I want to but because I need to.

This friend summarized to me, in her view, what I have been doing for the past few years. I have been chasing. From one thing to the next. I am just another typical predictable bloke, just another lost follower. Her assertion offends me greatly. While I would like to offer counter-arguments and examples of how I am different, I concede that she is quite accurate in her assessment. To dismiss her words without any reflection is pure stupidity and I definitely do not want to be typical and stupid. One is bad enough. There is some truth in my friend's words and when you see my life in a continuous span of 4-5 years, instead of discrete snapshots of a year, I have to agree with her to a certain extent.

About 4 years ago, I landed my first job in a big MNC. There was an internal leadership program I was desperate to get on. It would allow me the opportunity to travel and work on big projects. I talked to all the right people, did all the right roles and put myself in the best possible position to get admitted to the program. Things didn't pan out and I left the company soon after. The dream of a huge jet-setting corporate career died along with that. Like a typical Singaporean guy who did engineering, I figured since I am not going to be different and work overseas, I am going to try to be rich in Singapore. I should go work in Finance. Later I got into a big bank to work in the technology department. It wasn't really big money or interesting work but I was desperate to be anywhere near a trading desk which at that point of my career and life is the epitome of prosperity and happiness. I channeled a great deal of my energies to chasing that myopic version of success. I did my CFA, ACCA etc. but it was never really out of genuine passion for the discipline. It was a necesary step to get to my perceived goal. I don't care for that step, I just wanted to get over with it and move on. The goal is what I am interested in. As expected, it is not that easy to get into a trading desk and I went on to my next chase. I was going to become a quant. I enrolled in a MFE and got another job in a smaller institution that gave me the opportunity to practice as a quant despite my inexperience. Despite enjoying the technically and intellectually challenging nature of my new pursuit, it was quickly replaced with another obsession. Even though I genuinely like what I do now, the environment outside of work was becoming unbearable for me. I now want to be doing what I do, but outside of Singapore. That is my latest chase.

From one perspective, what I have been doing is roughly consistent. I wanted to experience life out of Singapore and still do. I have always been more theoretical than practical and what better industry to be in for me than Finance where money can be made from constructions on spreadsheets and powerpoints instead of more tangible (and beneficial) creations. Being totally inept at social integration, quantitative finance suits me better than the more abstract areas of sales or deal-making where EQ is key and ability is more art than science. But regardless of all that, I cannot deny I am just another distracted, unfocused individual that have neither the determination or dedication to stay true to a single course. There seems to be always something on the horizon that is more important and desirable. Is it my nature to always want to chase and then to forget and move on? I am beginning to think so.

I have a good friend that had the dignity and grace to step off the beaten path and choose to follow his passion. While the rest of us are busy chasing the money, he stayed true to his passion and continued to work on his craft. Today, he is working for one of the biggest companies in his field and in my opinion, more successful than many of the rest of us.

I do not know why I have become the way I am. While it seems like nothing has changed, it feels as if everything has. My thoughts have become fuddled and feeble and this worries me greatly. Many years ago, I would have dismissed someone who says and thinks a lot but means very little. I would have laughed at someone who lives by how he feels rather than thinks. Yet I think I am gradually becoming the very person I didn't want to be just 5 years back. Even after writing this considerable amount of words, I know I do not have a concrete point to bring across. I must confess I am disappointed, with myself and what I represent nowadays. This is my confession.

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The final steps are the hardest

Some people say that coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous. If that is true, I think God is trying to tell me something. Over the space of days, I have 3 good friends that told me of their doubt to leave our shores, in 3 seperate incidents. Ironically, 2 of these friends have tried tirelessly to escape Singapore, only to lose steam and heart when the final steps to their departure beckon. Regardless of their final decision, I hope this piece can help them in some small way in reaching that.

Like reading a brochure about skydiving, the idea of doing it appeals more than the actual act itself. Words like "excitement" and "out of this world experience" jump out from the brochure to seduce and stir our desires. We envy the photos of elated customers posing with their jump instructors, holding up their fingers in victory signs. "I want a piece of that action. I want to be like them.", we would think to ourselves. Some will go as far as to put down a deposit for a dive next weekend. But the real test does not happen when you are signing the consent forms for the jump or writing the cheque to pay for the dive. The true examination of your inner most desire will only come when you have strapped on the parachute and hang from the edge of a 10,000 km vertical drop. "Is this what I really want? Is my parachute working? What will others think if I back out now? Will I get a refund if I do? Has anyone died of heart attack in the middle of a dive? ......". Hundreds of random thoughts or questions will scream in your mind. Your heart beats faster than ever before. Your mouth is dry and you feel cold despite the beads of perspiration forming at your brow. Your instructior is screaming at you over the roar of the rushing wind, urging you to jump. You are blocking the rest behind you. Time is ticking. Decision time. What do you do?

The final steps are sometimes the longest and toughest. At least in the skydiving example above, there is always someone egging you on to jump. The chaos happening around you up there will blank your mind and erase most but the most basic of thoughts like fear. It's easier somehow when you don't really have to think. In reality, it's a whole lot harder. Considerations and reconsiderations will complicate the issue, particularly if it's big and important decisions like leaving your homeland. Parents, money, kids, career and more, all of which are reasons to delay or cancel your plans to leave the relative safety and comfort of Singapore. You signed the forms, paid the fees but when it's time to make the leap, you may not find the strength and resolve.

I would want to offer some logical advice for one that is hestitating on the edge of a jump. I wish to ask him to revisit his original intentions and consider the virtues of his decision. I want to help him weigh the pros and cons of his decision and assure him that it is well-considered and that he is for the better in the long-run etc. However for someone that has only looked at the brochure but never signed a form or paid a dime, it will be inappropriate, even hypocritical, of me to advise the positives of leaping. It is difficult and risky. There are as many pitfalls as promises. You may be hurting those you love at the expense of your wunderlust, both financially and emotionally. There is even a possibility you have to return here eventually, defeated and broken. Although I have always preached hope and optimism in my previous entries, I have to concede the equivalent possibility of dismay and failure. You will never know until you try and if you think it's not worth your while to try, perhaps it is. Not trying, as much as trying is a choice and in time the choice that we make now will be the best justification for it and we live with the consequences of that choice . I see it more clearly now that the most balanced and accurate way to see leaving Singapore is to view it as a parity between pros and cons, filled with as many dangers as hope. It's a choice and it's your choice. You make it and live with it. Period.

Before I end, I would like to share an experience I had years back when I was travelling regularly for work. The perk of that job was the opportunity to travel, despite the miserly pay and frivolous work. I remember rather vividly a feeling I had as I sat in the waiting lounge of an American airport. It was the third transit for a 25-hr journey from Malaysia to the States and I was exhausted. As I sat in the chair, watching people rush along with their luggage and trollies, I felt a sense of ignorance and fear. I had little idea how long my transit was going to be, I was worried of losing my stuff if I fell asleep there (which I was cos I mis-timed taking my sleeping pills onboard) and have no idea who to approach if I had any problems. People were rushing from one point to another, everyone seemed to be walking with a sense of purpose and know-how, like they knew exactly what they were doing and where they are going. There were white people., black people, Asians and Africans. Despite feeling lost and confused, I felt a sense of wonder and excitement, I felt more alive than I had for a long time. It was as if in that moment, the enormity and diversity of the world stopped being a cliche I hear/see on National Geographic and become a reality for me. I felt I was given a glimpse of this real world and I wanted to see more, learn more and experience more. Somehow as years go by, I changed jobs and remained permanently in Singapore, that sense of wonder disappeared. I became more comfortable in my ignorance, more contented with my mediocrity. That connection I felt I wanted, even needed, became but a flippant child's dream, a naive fantasy I cannot afford.

Dreams are different for everyone and this is one of mine. For the better or worse, I want to try to jump. The "skydiving-style" of leaving Singapore is still out for me (yes, I am really a coward) but I will try in more subdued ways to rediscover that feeling I had years ago. The final steps are always the hardest in matters like this but I am glad that I have started taking the first few. Hopefully I will find the resolve to make the jump when I come to it.

Sigh, I really don't like heights.........

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You Don't Out-think Yourself

Woke up this morning with a irresistable urge to write. It has been hard to contribute to the blog. Tried to start one a week back on the subject of "happiness" but could not find the conviction or honesty to complete that. NotTheFirstPirate is definitely not the person to turn to for consult on happiness. The topics of this blog are 2 of my favourite subjects. I am going to expound my thoughts this morning on the matter of "thinking" and "hoping".

A close friend has expressed doubt and frustration on his efforts to escape Singapore. He feels there is so much uncertainty and difficulties placed in his path to leave our country. The excruciating dull of waiting for things to move, to happen, makes the doubt and fear even more pronunced and unbearable. Hopefully this post can serve to be an encouragement and guiding light to him and all those struggling to escape. I also hope in weeks/months/years to come, I can revisit what I am going to write here to find strength and sense to continue my journey out of Singapore.

I think this line from a movie summarizes the meaning of life, the reason for living, rather succintly. "Life is not measured by minutes, but by moments". Somehow, for lots of people, myself included, it is often the reverse. The purpose of existence can be condensed into quantifiable units of dollars and cents, of hours and minutes. Everything needs to be milked for all its worth. We want the best pay for the simplest job, the longest movie for the cheapest ticket. We want the best deal for our buck, regardless if we really need it or want it. This is the Singapore motto, our local warcry. The result? Less grace, less empathy, more unhappy Singaporeans.

There is an online poll on happiness conducted worldwide. The best examples of happiness are collected and posted on the polling site. Different people find happiness in a variety of things. One tells of his relief and joy of a negative cancer test just days short of his grandson's 1-year birthday. Another describes happiness as the thrill of landing the biggest fish of his life after a 5-hour wait with his rod. Interesting, there isn't an example of someone who made his first million after the latest market rally, or of a fresh graduate landing a job on Goldman's trading desk. Perhaps there are no Singaporeans polled here. But the point is that there is lots more to life to what we know. The world is a big, awesome place. There are sights and adventures out there beyond our wildest imagination or comprehension. There are other ways to live, other avenues to be happy. It's not better or worse. It's just different.

Like many living on this island, I was brought up to be a logical and thinking person. No whims or fancies. Only facts and results matter. My education, family and environment taught me to evaluate everything. Everything can and should be distilled to a simple equation. I form impressions of people I meet but hardly know and judge them upon it. I am cynical and mistrusting of things I hear and see. I construct a mental hierachial chart and peg people on it based on their job or background. My happiness or the lack of, is a relative thing. It's seldom about whether I am truly happy or satisfied. It's more about if I am happier or more satisfied than the next poor soul or lucky bastard beside me. I compare, contrast, envy and ostracize. This is a crude, even vulgar, way of life but I cannot help myself. It is ingrained into my very being to be as competitive and calculative as such. Be honest to yourself. How much of a me do you see in you?

Singapore is a great place to be in now, particularly in the midst of the chaos around the rest of the globe. We have relative stability and calm here. But to be complacent in this dull comfort and to stop thinking and seeing what is the real value of living, is akin to a frog sitting in a pot of cool water heating over a fire. It may be too late when we realise that we want to see more, to experience more and feel more of this big wide world. The realities of life will inevitably chain you to the shores of Singapore and you will be trapped before you know you are. And ironically, this will not be the greatest tragedy. The greater one will be not knowing what is possible, not living a life where every day can be a fresh beginning and each breath a new adventure.

Thinking and hoping makes me happy. Possibilities, despite its unfaithful nature, promise more than certainty. However, as indicated in the blog title, you cannot out-think yourself. From the limited vantage point of Singapore, it is near pointless to try to plan, predict and safeguard yourself from all the possible perils out there. Fortune favours the brave. Take a leap. It may not always be safe but hell, it's sure going to be fun.

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