I Confess

I will try to be as honest and candid about what I am going to say next. A good friend that has known me for a long long time said something to me recently that made me think very hard about my flaws. I have always liked thinking about stuff. The unadulterated sanctity of pure thought appeals to me.But this is slightly different. I am considering now not because I want to but because I need to.

This friend summarized to me, in her view, what I have been doing for the past few years. I have been chasing. From one thing to the next. I am just another typical predictable bloke, just another lost follower. Her assertion offends me greatly. While I would like to offer counter-arguments and examples of how I am different, I concede that she is quite accurate in her assessment. To dismiss her words without any reflection is pure stupidity and I definitely do not want to be typical and stupid. One is bad enough. There is some truth in my friend's words and when you see my life in a continuous span of 4-5 years, instead of discrete snapshots of a year, I have to agree with her to a certain extent.

About 4 years ago, I landed my first job in a big MNC. There was an internal leadership program I was desperate to get on. It would allow me the opportunity to travel and work on big projects. I talked to all the right people, did all the right roles and put myself in the best possible position to get admitted to the program. Things didn't pan out and I left the company soon after. The dream of a huge jet-setting corporate career died along with that. Like a typical Singaporean guy who did engineering, I figured since I am not going to be different and work overseas, I am going to try to be rich in Singapore. I should go work in Finance. Later I got into a big bank to work in the technology department. It wasn't really big money or interesting work but I was desperate to be anywhere near a trading desk which at that point of my career and life is the epitome of prosperity and happiness. I channeled a great deal of my energies to chasing that myopic version of success. I did my CFA, ACCA etc. but it was never really out of genuine passion for the discipline. It was a necesary step to get to my perceived goal. I don't care for that step, I just wanted to get over with it and move on. The goal is what I am interested in. As expected, it is not that easy to get into a trading desk and I went on to my next chase. I was going to become a quant. I enrolled in a MFE and got another job in a smaller institution that gave me the opportunity to practice as a quant despite my inexperience. Despite enjoying the technically and intellectually challenging nature of my new pursuit, it was quickly replaced with another obsession. Even though I genuinely like what I do now, the environment outside of work was becoming unbearable for me. I now want to be doing what I do, but outside of Singapore. That is my latest chase.

From one perspective, what I have been doing is roughly consistent. I wanted to experience life out of Singapore and still do. I have always been more theoretical than practical and what better industry to be in for me than Finance where money can be made from constructions on spreadsheets and powerpoints instead of more tangible (and beneficial) creations. Being totally inept at social integration, quantitative finance suits me better than the more abstract areas of sales or deal-making where EQ is key and ability is more art than science. But regardless of all that, I cannot deny I am just another distracted, unfocused individual that have neither the determination or dedication to stay true to a single course. There seems to be always something on the horizon that is more important and desirable. Is it my nature to always want to chase and then to forget and move on? I am beginning to think so.

I have a good friend that had the dignity and grace to step off the beaten path and choose to follow his passion. While the rest of us are busy chasing the money, he stayed true to his passion and continued to work on his craft. Today, he is working for one of the biggest companies in his field and in my opinion, more successful than many of the rest of us.

I do not know why I have become the way I am. While it seems like nothing has changed, it feels as if everything has. My thoughts have become fuddled and feeble and this worries me greatly. Many years ago, I would have dismissed someone who says and thinks a lot but means very little. I would have laughed at someone who lives by how he feels rather than thinks. Yet I think I am gradually becoming the very person I didn't want to be just 5 years back. Even after writing this considerable amount of words, I know I do not have a concrete point to bring across. I must confess I am disappointed, with myself and what I represent nowadays. This is my confession.