The final steps are the hardest

Some people say that coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous. If that is true, I think God is trying to tell me something. Over the space of days, I have 3 good friends that told me of their doubt to leave our shores, in 3 seperate incidents. Ironically, 2 of these friends have tried tirelessly to escape Singapore, only to lose steam and heart when the final steps to their departure beckon. Regardless of their final decision, I hope this piece can help them in some small way in reaching that.

Like reading a brochure about skydiving, the idea of doing it appeals more than the actual act itself. Words like "excitement" and "out of this world experience" jump out from the brochure to seduce and stir our desires. We envy the photos of elated customers posing with their jump instructors, holding up their fingers in victory signs. "I want a piece of that action. I want to be like them.", we would think to ourselves. Some will go as far as to put down a deposit for a dive next weekend. But the real test does not happen when you are signing the consent forms for the jump or writing the cheque to pay for the dive. The true examination of your inner most desire will only come when you have strapped on the parachute and hang from the edge of a 10,000 km vertical drop. "Is this what I really want? Is my parachute working? What will others think if I back out now? Will I get a refund if I do? Has anyone died of heart attack in the middle of a dive? ......". Hundreds of random thoughts or questions will scream in your mind. Your heart beats faster than ever before. Your mouth is dry and you feel cold despite the beads of perspiration forming at your brow. Your instructior is screaming at you over the roar of the rushing wind, urging you to jump. You are blocking the rest behind you. Time is ticking. Decision time. What do you do?

The final steps are sometimes the longest and toughest. At least in the skydiving example above, there is always someone egging you on to jump. The chaos happening around you up there will blank your mind and erase most but the most basic of thoughts like fear. It's easier somehow when you don't really have to think. In reality, it's a whole lot harder. Considerations and reconsiderations will complicate the issue, particularly if it's big and important decisions like leaving your homeland. Parents, money, kids, career and more, all of which are reasons to delay or cancel your plans to leave the relative safety and comfort of Singapore. You signed the forms, paid the fees but when it's time to make the leap, you may not find the strength and resolve.

I would want to offer some logical advice for one that is hestitating on the edge of a jump. I wish to ask him to revisit his original intentions and consider the virtues of his decision. I want to help him weigh the pros and cons of his decision and assure him that it is well-considered and that he is for the better in the long-run etc. However for someone that has only looked at the brochure but never signed a form or paid a dime, it will be inappropriate, even hypocritical, of me to advise the positives of leaping. It is difficult and risky. There are as many pitfalls as promises. You may be hurting those you love at the expense of your wunderlust, both financially and emotionally. There is even a possibility you have to return here eventually, defeated and broken. Although I have always preached hope and optimism in my previous entries, I have to concede the equivalent possibility of dismay and failure. You will never know until you try and if you think it's not worth your while to try, perhaps it is. Not trying, as much as trying is a choice and in time the choice that we make now will be the best justification for it and we live with the consequences of that choice . I see it more clearly now that the most balanced and accurate way to see leaving Singapore is to view it as a parity between pros and cons, filled with as many dangers as hope. It's a choice and it's your choice. You make it and live with it. Period.

Before I end, I would like to share an experience I had years back when I was travelling regularly for work. The perk of that job was the opportunity to travel, despite the miserly pay and frivolous work. I remember rather vividly a feeling I had as I sat in the waiting lounge of an American airport. It was the third transit for a 25-hr journey from Malaysia to the States and I was exhausted. As I sat in the chair, watching people rush along with their luggage and trollies, I felt a sense of ignorance and fear. I had little idea how long my transit was going to be, I was worried of losing my stuff if I fell asleep there (which I was cos I mis-timed taking my sleeping pills onboard) and have no idea who to approach if I had any problems. People were rushing from one point to another, everyone seemed to be walking with a sense of purpose and know-how, like they knew exactly what they were doing and where they are going. There were white people., black people, Asians and Africans. Despite feeling lost and confused, I felt a sense of wonder and excitement, I felt more alive than I had for a long time. It was as if in that moment, the enormity and diversity of the world stopped being a cliche I hear/see on National Geographic and become a reality for me. I felt I was given a glimpse of this real world and I wanted to see more, learn more and experience more. Somehow as years go by, I changed jobs and remained permanently in Singapore, that sense of wonder disappeared. I became more comfortable in my ignorance, more contented with my mediocrity. That connection I felt I wanted, even needed, became but a flippant child's dream, a naive fantasy I cannot afford.

Dreams are different for everyone and this is one of mine. For the better or worse, I want to try to jump. The "skydiving-style" of leaving Singapore is still out for me (yes, I am really a coward) but I will try in more subdued ways to rediscover that feeling I had years ago. The final steps are always the hardest in matters like this but I am glad that I have started taking the first few. Hopefully I will find the resolve to make the jump when I come to it.

Sigh, I really don't like heights.........