I Confess

I will try to be as honest and candid about what I am going to say next. A good friend that has known me for a long long time said something to me recently that made me think very hard about my flaws. I have always liked thinking about stuff. The unadulterated sanctity of pure thought appeals to me.But this is slightly different. I am considering now not because I want to but because I need to.

This friend summarized to me, in her view, what I have been doing for the past few years. I have been chasing. From one thing to the next. I am just another typical predictable bloke, just another lost follower. Her assertion offends me greatly. While I would like to offer counter-arguments and examples of how I am different, I concede that she is quite accurate in her assessment. To dismiss her words without any reflection is pure stupidity and I definitely do not want to be typical and stupid. One is bad enough. There is some truth in my friend's words and when you see my life in a continuous span of 4-5 years, instead of discrete snapshots of a year, I have to agree with her to a certain extent.

About 4 years ago, I landed my first job in a big MNC. There was an internal leadership program I was desperate to get on. It would allow me the opportunity to travel and work on big projects. I talked to all the right people, did all the right roles and put myself in the best possible position to get admitted to the program. Things didn't pan out and I left the company soon after. The dream of a huge jet-setting corporate career died along with that. Like a typical Singaporean guy who did engineering, I figured since I am not going to be different and work overseas, I am going to try to be rich in Singapore. I should go work in Finance. Later I got into a big bank to work in the technology department. It wasn't really big money or interesting work but I was desperate to be anywhere near a trading desk which at that point of my career and life is the epitome of prosperity and happiness. I channeled a great deal of my energies to chasing that myopic version of success. I did my CFA, ACCA etc. but it was never really out of genuine passion for the discipline. It was a necesary step to get to my perceived goal. I don't care for that step, I just wanted to get over with it and move on. The goal is what I am interested in. As expected, it is not that easy to get into a trading desk and I went on to my next chase. I was going to become a quant. I enrolled in a MFE and got another job in a smaller institution that gave me the opportunity to practice as a quant despite my inexperience. Despite enjoying the technically and intellectually challenging nature of my new pursuit, it was quickly replaced with another obsession. Even though I genuinely like what I do now, the environment outside of work was becoming unbearable for me. I now want to be doing what I do, but outside of Singapore. That is my latest chase.

From one perspective, what I have been doing is roughly consistent. I wanted to experience life out of Singapore and still do. I have always been more theoretical than practical and what better industry to be in for me than Finance where money can be made from constructions on spreadsheets and powerpoints instead of more tangible (and beneficial) creations. Being totally inept at social integration, quantitative finance suits me better than the more abstract areas of sales or deal-making where EQ is key and ability is more art than science. But regardless of all that, I cannot deny I am just another distracted, unfocused individual that have neither the determination or dedication to stay true to a single course. There seems to be always something on the horizon that is more important and desirable. Is it my nature to always want to chase and then to forget and move on? I am beginning to think so.

I have a good friend that had the dignity and grace to step off the beaten path and choose to follow his passion. While the rest of us are busy chasing the money, he stayed true to his passion and continued to work on his craft. Today, he is working for one of the biggest companies in his field and in my opinion, more successful than many of the rest of us.

I do not know why I have become the way I am. While it seems like nothing has changed, it feels as if everything has. My thoughts have become fuddled and feeble and this worries me greatly. Many years ago, I would have dismissed someone who says and thinks a lot but means very little. I would have laughed at someone who lives by how he feels rather than thinks. Yet I think I am gradually becoming the very person I didn't want to be just 5 years back. Even after writing this considerable amount of words, I know I do not have a concrete point to bring across. I must confess I am disappointed, with myself and what I represent nowadays. This is my confession.

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The final steps are the hardest

Some people say that coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous. If that is true, I think God is trying to tell me something. Over the space of days, I have 3 good friends that told me of their doubt to leave our shores, in 3 seperate incidents. Ironically, 2 of these friends have tried tirelessly to escape Singapore, only to lose steam and heart when the final steps to their departure beckon. Regardless of their final decision, I hope this piece can help them in some small way in reaching that.

Like reading a brochure about skydiving, the idea of doing it appeals more than the actual act itself. Words like "excitement" and "out of this world experience" jump out from the brochure to seduce and stir our desires. We envy the photos of elated customers posing with their jump instructors, holding up their fingers in victory signs. "I want a piece of that action. I want to be like them.", we would think to ourselves. Some will go as far as to put down a deposit for a dive next weekend. But the real test does not happen when you are signing the consent forms for the jump or writing the cheque to pay for the dive. The true examination of your inner most desire will only come when you have strapped on the parachute and hang from the edge of a 10,000 km vertical drop. "Is this what I really want? Is my parachute working? What will others think if I back out now? Will I get a refund if I do? Has anyone died of heart attack in the middle of a dive? ......". Hundreds of random thoughts or questions will scream in your mind. Your heart beats faster than ever before. Your mouth is dry and you feel cold despite the beads of perspiration forming at your brow. Your instructior is screaming at you over the roar of the rushing wind, urging you to jump. You are blocking the rest behind you. Time is ticking. Decision time. What do you do?

The final steps are sometimes the longest and toughest. At least in the skydiving example above, there is always someone egging you on to jump. The chaos happening around you up there will blank your mind and erase most but the most basic of thoughts like fear. It's easier somehow when you don't really have to think. In reality, it's a whole lot harder. Considerations and reconsiderations will complicate the issue, particularly if it's big and important decisions like leaving your homeland. Parents, money, kids, career and more, all of which are reasons to delay or cancel your plans to leave the relative safety and comfort of Singapore. You signed the forms, paid the fees but when it's time to make the leap, you may not find the strength and resolve.

I would want to offer some logical advice for one that is hestitating on the edge of a jump. I wish to ask him to revisit his original intentions and consider the virtues of his decision. I want to help him weigh the pros and cons of his decision and assure him that it is well-considered and that he is for the better in the long-run etc. However for someone that has only looked at the brochure but never signed a form or paid a dime, it will be inappropriate, even hypocritical, of me to advise the positives of leaping. It is difficult and risky. There are as many pitfalls as promises. You may be hurting those you love at the expense of your wunderlust, both financially and emotionally. There is even a possibility you have to return here eventually, defeated and broken. Although I have always preached hope and optimism in my previous entries, I have to concede the equivalent possibility of dismay and failure. You will never know until you try and if you think it's not worth your while to try, perhaps it is. Not trying, as much as trying is a choice and in time the choice that we make now will be the best justification for it and we live with the consequences of that choice . I see it more clearly now that the most balanced and accurate way to see leaving Singapore is to view it as a parity between pros and cons, filled with as many dangers as hope. It's a choice and it's your choice. You make it and live with it. Period.

Before I end, I would like to share an experience I had years back when I was travelling regularly for work. The perk of that job was the opportunity to travel, despite the miserly pay and frivolous work. I remember rather vividly a feeling I had as I sat in the waiting lounge of an American airport. It was the third transit for a 25-hr journey from Malaysia to the States and I was exhausted. As I sat in the chair, watching people rush along with their luggage and trollies, I felt a sense of ignorance and fear. I had little idea how long my transit was going to be, I was worried of losing my stuff if I fell asleep there (which I was cos I mis-timed taking my sleeping pills onboard) and have no idea who to approach if I had any problems. People were rushing from one point to another, everyone seemed to be walking with a sense of purpose and know-how, like they knew exactly what they were doing and where they are going. There were white people., black people, Asians and Africans. Despite feeling lost and confused, I felt a sense of wonder and excitement, I felt more alive than I had for a long time. It was as if in that moment, the enormity and diversity of the world stopped being a cliche I hear/see on National Geographic and become a reality for me. I felt I was given a glimpse of this real world and I wanted to see more, learn more and experience more. Somehow as years go by, I changed jobs and remained permanently in Singapore, that sense of wonder disappeared. I became more comfortable in my ignorance, more contented with my mediocrity. That connection I felt I wanted, even needed, became but a flippant child's dream, a naive fantasy I cannot afford.

Dreams are different for everyone and this is one of mine. For the better or worse, I want to try to jump. The "skydiving-style" of leaving Singapore is still out for me (yes, I am really a coward) but I will try in more subdued ways to rediscover that feeling I had years ago. The final steps are always the hardest in matters like this but I am glad that I have started taking the first few. Hopefully I will find the resolve to make the jump when I come to it.

Sigh, I really don't like heights.........

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You Don't Out-think Yourself

Woke up this morning with a irresistable urge to write. It has been hard to contribute to the blog. Tried to start one a week back on the subject of "happiness" but could not find the conviction or honesty to complete that. NotTheFirstPirate is definitely not the person to turn to for consult on happiness. The topics of this blog are 2 of my favourite subjects. I am going to expound my thoughts this morning on the matter of "thinking" and "hoping".

A close friend has expressed doubt and frustration on his efforts to escape Singapore. He feels there is so much uncertainty and difficulties placed in his path to leave our country. The excruciating dull of waiting for things to move, to happen, makes the doubt and fear even more pronunced and unbearable. Hopefully this post can serve to be an encouragement and guiding light to him and all those struggling to escape. I also hope in weeks/months/years to come, I can revisit what I am going to write here to find strength and sense to continue my journey out of Singapore.

I think this line from a movie summarizes the meaning of life, the reason for living, rather succintly. "Life is not measured by minutes, but by moments". Somehow, for lots of people, myself included, it is often the reverse. The purpose of existence can be condensed into quantifiable units of dollars and cents, of hours and minutes. Everything needs to be milked for all its worth. We want the best pay for the simplest job, the longest movie for the cheapest ticket. We want the best deal for our buck, regardless if we really need it or want it. This is the Singapore motto, our local warcry. The result? Less grace, less empathy, more unhappy Singaporeans.

There is an online poll on happiness conducted worldwide. The best examples of happiness are collected and posted on the polling site. Different people find happiness in a variety of things. One tells of his relief and joy of a negative cancer test just days short of his grandson's 1-year birthday. Another describes happiness as the thrill of landing the biggest fish of his life after a 5-hour wait with his rod. Interesting, there isn't an example of someone who made his first million after the latest market rally, or of a fresh graduate landing a job on Goldman's trading desk. Perhaps there are no Singaporeans polled here. But the point is that there is lots more to life to what we know. The world is a big, awesome place. There are sights and adventures out there beyond our wildest imagination or comprehension. There are other ways to live, other avenues to be happy. It's not better or worse. It's just different.

Like many living on this island, I was brought up to be a logical and thinking person. No whims or fancies. Only facts and results matter. My education, family and environment taught me to evaluate everything. Everything can and should be distilled to a simple equation. I form impressions of people I meet but hardly know and judge them upon it. I am cynical and mistrusting of things I hear and see. I construct a mental hierachial chart and peg people on it based on their job or background. My happiness or the lack of, is a relative thing. It's seldom about whether I am truly happy or satisfied. It's more about if I am happier or more satisfied than the next poor soul or lucky bastard beside me. I compare, contrast, envy and ostracize. This is a crude, even vulgar, way of life but I cannot help myself. It is ingrained into my very being to be as competitive and calculative as such. Be honest to yourself. How much of a me do you see in you?

Singapore is a great place to be in now, particularly in the midst of the chaos around the rest of the globe. We have relative stability and calm here. But to be complacent in this dull comfort and to stop thinking and seeing what is the real value of living, is akin to a frog sitting in a pot of cool water heating over a fire. It may be too late when we realise that we want to see more, to experience more and feel more of this big wide world. The realities of life will inevitably chain you to the shores of Singapore and you will be trapped before you know you are. And ironically, this will not be the greatest tragedy. The greater one will be not knowing what is possible, not living a life where every day can be a fresh beginning and each breath a new adventure.

Thinking and hoping makes me happy. Possibilities, despite its unfaithful nature, promise more than certainty. However, as indicated in the blog title, you cannot out-think yourself. From the limited vantage point of Singapore, it is near pointless to try to plan, predict and safeguard yourself from all the possible perils out there. Fortune favours the brave. Take a leap. It may not always be safe but hell, it's sure going to be fun.

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